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HUMOR - Ha hA Ha

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by NAREN64, Jul 13, 2010.

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  1. PaddleShifter

    PaddleShifter Staff Member Janitor

    Grande Punto 1.3
    My colleagues will admit me in the psychiatry ward in that case. :)
  2. HarishSegar


    Another angle: His wife must have forced him to put that sticker!
  3. Tony

    Tony Esperto

    Kalamboli, Navi Mumbai
    Grande Punto 1.2
    :evilsmile :evilsmile :evilsmile
  4. An airplane was going down & everybody knew they would
    crash in the Ocean below.

    The rich lady takes off all of her clothes and puts on
    every Diamond she has on her body! The passengers all
    look at her and say what are you doing? She Says "When
    we are in the ocean my diamonds will sparkle and will
    be the first one they find!"

    Then another woman takes off all her clothes and
    covers herself With $100 | dollar bills! The
    passengers all look at her, and she says, "When we are
    in the ocean the $100 dollar bills will be floating
    all around me and they will find me first!!!!!

    THEN a black lady tears off part of her clothes and just
    gets butt naked!!!!!! All the passengers look at her
    and ask, "What are you doing?" The Black lady says...
    "GIRL you know they always look for the black box
  5. Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

    Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she hadto walk home.
    On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any I'll effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

    Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

    The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other "$#%^&" and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

    When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

    She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

    There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
  6. A professor at Oklahoma State University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his class, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
    About 90 students raise their hands.
    “Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
    About 40 students raise their hands.
    “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About 15 students raise their hand.
    “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
    “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
    Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
    The professor takes off his glasses, and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
    The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
    When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to make love to a ghost?”
    Bubba replied, “Daaaang!!$!

    From way back thar I thought you said “goats.”

    Dress Code:

    You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

    If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days:

    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Bathroom Breaks:

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

    After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break:

    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim - Fast.

    **Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    The Management
  8. pammuluvcars

    pammuluvcars Regolare

    Oh man Bnzjon..... baked beans.....the ultimate one.......i have cramps in my tummy laughing it.....
  9. Looks like the i10 doesn't want to park closer to the ugly Shhift DeJJIre.
  10. There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true.”

    The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

    Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
    The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.

    The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SH**!!!!!!!………”

    Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in
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